A miscarriage of life

Well today, one of my dear friends wrote this. I think life treats some people in a bad way, beyond what most of us could ever imagine. I’m sure she would not mind me sharing this, besides, I’m not going to identify her. She knows who she is…. My love and thoughts are with you

Ok, here it is. Here’s the big time post. Ready???

As many of you know.. i was 4 months pregnant.
Technically.. I still am. Until 10:10am tomorrow.
Yesterday, I lost my baby.

They said it was “natural causes”. A genetic fuck-up that happens when the baby is created. Apparently, it happens very often, so I know I’m not alone in this.

The worst part is how I feel. I was so happy. So excited. Andnow… I’m empty. I can actually FEEL that the light has gone out of my eyes. I feel beaten down and broken. And, for that reason…
I am also leaving my Sir.

The past couple of months have gradually opened my eyes to the fact that he is not what I need. He is not what I DESERVE. I loved him. I still do. I was devoted to him. I was his.

Well… not anymore. I need to stop letting him drag me down to his level, and work my way back up to having a life that I need, want, and deserve. I deserve someone to care about me. To put me first above all things. Someone whos not going to take his friend to the store cuz he needs a ride to get cigarettes, and make your fiance, who is bleeding from pregnancy complications, call her parents to take her to the doctor.

Having a miscarriage is FUCKED UP!!!!!! The worst part is the WAITING. The waiting to have it… gone. Most times, your body will reject the pregnancy on its own, and you will pass the baby naturally. They say mine isn’t going to come out on it’s own, and to wait could take WEEKS. I go tomorrow for a procedure to… clean out my body.

That’s the worst part of it all… having my baby still inside me, but knowing that it’s not alive. To have seen that ultrasound yesterday, and not see a heartbeat just a few days after seeing my baby alive, and moving around, and having a strong, healthy heartbeat… fuck, man. It HURTS. Everything hurts.

I have no clue what I’m thinking. I feel numb. I have a numb feeling, and I am surprisingly calm. I don’t remember a time when I ever felt this calm. Its like… Im just… here. But, inside, I want to scream and yell and break things. The calmness is unnerving. I’m attributing it to shock. I think I’m actually experiencing some of the symptoms of shock.

All of that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am going to make it through this. One step at a time. I deserve a good life. A happy life. Where I am loved the way a woman deserves to be loved by a man. Vernon just wasn’t the right man.

I am currently back at my parents’ house to get away from the horrible situation at home. My parents, of course, are thrilled to have me back, and they want me to stay. I think I will for a while. They say they feel better knowing where I am, and that I’m OK. Honestly, I feel better being here too, cuz I can look after them, whether they know it or not. 😉

I have the best family in the world. I couldn’t ask for a better Mom and Dad. They make me want to be like them. I want to have a good life, and be able to give my children a good life. I want my kids to grow up like I did. Happy, carefree, loved. Not a want in the world. So, I’ll take this opportunity to start saving money again. Recover from my miscarriage. Relax. Pull myself back together by using the love and support of my family and friends as glue.

I’m rambling now, I think. But… like I said in my status. Please be patient if I don’t get back to you in a timely manner. I have a lot going on, and it is still really hard to talk about.

Just know this:
I love you all.

I am GLAD I have people like you in my life who actually care. I know some of you have even gone through this same thing, and I am thankful for your advice and support, because I have NO IDEA what I’m doing, or how to fix this, and not feeling so alone is a huge help.

Thank you all in advance for the messages, posts, love, and condolences I know I’ll be getting, as well.

I’ll be OK. One step at a time…
One.. step.. at.. a… time.
xoxo

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